"When I said ‘I don’t wanna have a boyfriend’ doesn’t mean I don’t want to have you. I really want to have you. Not as my boyfriend, but as my future husband."
"All the updates i made, all the songs i’m listening to, all the quotes i posted are for you. I just can’t find a way to make you realise about that. What a pity."
- Mine

Sister’s feeling

I miss the old times with you, brother. i miss the time when we were playing around together, mocking and laughing with each other. I always bought you a Starbucks signature chocolate, we always had a lunch together and ate your favorite chocolate souffle. One portion for two of us. You always talked to me about your day at school, your crush, your nemesis, you always told me a story. Almost every night you always came into my room and shared your story. you always laughed when some guys texted me messages. you said all the boys who have a crush on me are ‘terrible’ and then we laughed. I remember you made me a bracelet with my name on it. but those were just stories in the past. you changed. a huge change. it’s ok, i totally understand that you are not a child anymore. i know you are growing up. i know you are building your own life right now. I’m happy with that. i love seeing you growing up. but, the problems are when we don’t even talk to each other anymore. we are like strangers. you don’t even want to look at me. you never hear my words. you don’t even want to take a picture with me. you denied me in front of everybody. it’s like i don’t even know who you are. And it really hurts. deeply hurts. you put me in such an agony. it’s even worse than breaking up. it’s even worse than being cheated. did i make a terrible mistake to you? do you exclude me from your part of life? is it a sign that i failed to be your sister? i really hope you know how devastated i am right now. you can exclude me from your life but please, don’t forget that we’re a team. we’re siblings. please remember we own each other. you always got my back. whether you want it or not. i'm sorry for being such a bad sister for you. it never be my intention. i'm hoping there's still some space and time for me to fix our relationship. because i love you as my brother. you're my only one brother. all i want to do is seeing your happy face, watching your happy life with me as a part of it even if i have to sacrifice everything to make it happen. 

What else can I say to you? Thank you! Thanks a lot!! Merci beacoup! danke! That’s all I know. Ha-ha. For the first time i could talk openly about my problem. It might be nothing for you but it means a lot! It has a HUGE meaning for me. i'm not perfect, I'm weird, I'm a listener, I'm a wallflower, I'd rather keep my problem quite and cry about it at night before I go to bed. but thanks to you. you changed it. 

Suddenly there’s a thing. A thing that I can’t control. It just happened. Dwell in my heart. And probably won’t let go. i do not know what to do. Whether i have to don’t give a shit and just let it flow or I gotta stop that right now before it’s too late. i have no clue. i don’t know which path i have to take. i don’t even know what is right and what is wrong. One thing for sure: I never want to hurt anybody. NEVER. Because I know what is like to be hurt. And if I keep this thing in my mind, I definitely will hurt somebody. 

WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD! But I love that ‘weirdness’. Because that’s the first time for five years. i couldn’t help denying it.